Counsellors and psychotherapists are generally very caring people who want the best for their clients. This can result in them sacrificing their own wellbeing in their desire not to cause disappointment to the people they work with.
In this episode of the Good Enough Counsellors podcast, I explore how our desire to be kind can sometimes override what is best for both therapist and client.
You can listen to the full episode here:
If you would like to subscribe to the podcast, click here.
Why Kind Therapists Often Find Boundaries Difficult
Therapists’ values are often centred around relationship, compassion and caring for others. Awareness of other people’s pain and mental anguish is something that motivates them to want to make a difference.
Their sensitivity to other’s feelings and their ethical commitment to “do no harm” means they’ll often hesitate over setting boundaries that protect themselves. Quite simply, they’ll worry about the impact on the other person.
A Supervision Conversation: Overthinking or Diminishing?
When faced with the dilemma of choosing to set a boundary that potentially could disappoint another person, I suggested to my supervisor that I was overthinking my decision.
She simply asked:
“Are you overthinking – or are you diminishing your feelings?”
When considering the impact of boundaries on someone else, it can be tempting to dismiss your own needs.
Your feelings may well be giving you a clear indication that you’re ignoring yourself, but there can be another part of you that also feels scared.
You may be experiencing a shadow from the past where it simply wasn’t safe to put yourself first and where caring for others was a survival strategy.
Why Kindness Can Lead to Self-Neglect
While it may seem that you’re being kind to the client, it may be introducing a lack of kindness to yourself.
For example, you may say “yes” to taking on a new client you feel sorry for, but it means sacrificing your own time with your family.
Or you may let a client overrun their allotted slot because you don’t want to interrupt, but it means you don’t have time between clients to centre yourself again.
Charging a cancellation fee may feel unkind to a client who has encountered a problem, but it means you’re out of pocket for your room fee.
In these ways you may be overriding your own needs because you don’t want to disappoint someone else. You imagine that they may think you’re uncaring and worry about the repercussions of that. What will they say? Will they reject you?
Let Your Values Guide Your Decisions
It can help to remind yourself of your ethics and values. Ultimately, you probably want to help your client and setting boundaries can, in the long term, benefit them.
For example:
- Saying no to a client when you don’t have capacity means they’ll find someone who does. They’re much more likely to be helped by someone who is not tired and possibly resentful about giving up their time.
- Helping a client to finish on time means they’ll know you’ll keep them safe and that you’re trustworthy and reliable. You keep to time.
- Charging a cancellation fee means the client need not feel guilty about cancelling, gives them the freedom to decide what is most important, and keeps your relationship clear of resentment on your part
We can so easily mistake “kindness” as putting someone else’s needs first. But it may neither be kind to us or our clients.
Is it Kindness, or Self-Protection?
While we may genuinely believe we’re helping the client, sometimes underneath, we’re trying to protect ourselves from uncomfortable feelings.
We naturally think we’re protecting the other person from disappointment. But if we look a little deeper, we may also be trying to protect ourselves from the discomfort that disappointing someone brings.
There may be fear of rejection, of getting it wrong or of conflict. When that happens, our decisions can be based more on our avoidance of discomfort than the client’s best interest.
And that’s not really kindness.
Kindness isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about making decisions that help the therapeutic relationship, even when it feels difficult.
Caring for Yourself
My moment in supervision was really quite profound. It showed me that rather than overthinking, I was ignoring the part of myself that was fearful and seeking reassurance.
By acknowledging the fear in my scared little girl, I was able to reassure her that I’d got this. I was able to make a decision to set a sensible boundary, even though it could mean risking rejection.
Looking after yourself does not mean you are not looking after your clients. It’s foundational to therapeutic work.
And while we may fear rejection and conflict, our values are a better guide to what is right than someone else’s disapproval.
Final Thoughts
Learning to set boundaries in your private practice is an ongoing journey. Even experienced therapists wrestle with difficult decisions, especially when they care deeply about the people they work with.
That’s why supervision, reflection and conversations with peers are so valuable. They help us notice when our decisions are being driven by fear rather than by our professional values.
If you’d like a supportive space to explore the challenges of private practice, Therapy Growth Group offers weekly live calls where you can discuss dilemmas like these with other therapists who understand. Together, we explore what’s getting in the way and help each other move forward with greater confidence.
Frequently Asked Questions
Many therapists are naturally compassionate people who want the best for their clients. Because they care deeply, they can worry about disappointing someone, causing conflict or appearing uncaring. This can make it difficult to hold boundaries, even when those boundaries are in the client’s best interests.
Yes. Healthy boundaries create consistency, safety and trust within the therapeutic relationship. They also help you protect your own wellbeing, making it easier to remain present, compassionate and effective over the long term.
Many therapists worry that charging a cancellation fee will seem harsh or uncaring. However, a clear cancellation policy provides consistency for both therapist and client. It helps avoid resentment, creates clarity and supports a professional therapeutic relationship.
Supervision provides a space to explore what’s influencing your decisions. Sometimes what feels like kindness may actually be driven by fear of conflict, rejection or getting things wrong. A skilled supervisor can help you notice these patterns and make decisions that are guided by your values rather than your fears.
Not necessarily. Looking after yourself isn’t separate from looking after your clients. When therapists ignore their own wellbeing, they are more likely to become exhausted, resentful or inconsistent. Caring for yourself is an important part of ethical and sustainable practice.
Rather than asking, “Will this upset my client?”, it can be more helpful to ask, “What is in the best interests of the therapeutic relationship?” Allowing your professional values and ethics to guide your decisions often leads to clearer, more consistent boundaries than trying to avoid discomfort or disapproval.
Enjoyed this article?
Join thousands of therapists who receive my weekly email every Thursday.
You’ll receive practical marketing ideas, new podcast episodes and lessons learned from years of helping counsellors attract clients and grow their private practice.
Click here to join us.