What has Barry Manilow got to do with the fact that you feel camera shy? Today, in the Good Enough Counsellors podcast, we’re going to talk all about the anxiety you feel about photos or videos of you being available online and what you can do about it. That fear of being seen may be holding you back and getting in the way of you reaching potential clients. And Barry Manilow has an important lesson to help you feel easier about it all.
While you may hate to see yourself online, potential clients love to be able to put a face to a name. Telling a therapist what may be very personal and intimate details of your life is nerve wracking. Ultimately, clients want to know they can trust you. They like to know who they’re going to be talking to, and whether you can help them. Photographs and videos that showcase your knowledge and experience help them to feel comfortable enough to get in touch. And that will enable you to get started together on their therapeutic journey.
Today, in the Good Enough Counsellors podcast, I’m going to look at what gets in the way of you sharing yourself online. But first, I’d like to acknowledge how normal it is to worry about being in front of a camera. For example, research by the Dove Project found that 77% of women are camera shy, and 63% had destroyed photos of themselves. You don’t need me to tell you about the high standards so many of us hold ourselves to in terms of our appearance and the influence of both the traditional print media and now social media sites in making us feel less than in terms of our looks. And that’s just talking about personal photos.
The stakes can feel considerably higher if you’re using photos or videos to promote your private practice. You want to be able to attract clients and get paid. The last thing you want to do is risk putting people off. You don’t want to destroy the chances of clients getting in touch. That could mean the end of your dream of private practice and the chance to earn a living.
And it feels like getting it wrong will risk all your efforts. I’ve worked with so many counsellors over the years who have expressed how uncomfortable they feel with being on camera, whether it be a simple profile photo, an introductory Psychology Today video, or a longer form video on a particular subject. Last week, I did a fun poll on my business page about people’s attitudes to being on camera. The vast majority of replies were that people would prefer to avoid video. You’re really not alone if that’s what you feel.
However, marketing using video can be very successful. Laura Knight of See Clear Anxiety Dorset came on my live feed challenge 4 years ago, where she practised going live in a safe space. She said that’s what has given her the confidence to consistently post videos on her business page, and now doing those live videos feel just the same as anything else she’s publishing. She’s got over 2,000 followers, so I think she must be doing something right.
In last week’s podcast on social media, that’s episode 20, I talked about some of the things that may hold you back from posting on social media.
These include the fear of criticism, the thought that you might get it wrong, and that you don’t know enough. Do go back and listen to that if you’re in need of some answers.
But let’s turn now to the specific subject of feeling self conscious on camera. Feeling self conscious can often be perceived in a negative light. But if you’re someone who feels self conscious, have you ever thought about how it helps you to navigate social situations?
It means you’re aware of social norms and that you’re adaptable to different behavioural expectations, and that can help you fit into situations you may not have encountered before. By being aware of yourself, you may also be sensitive to how your words and actions impact others, and this gives you choice. You may choose to regulate yourself in certain ways, and this can be viewed as a social skill. You may use that self consciousness to reflect on your actions, and how you’d like to grow and develop as a result. Let’s not see self consciousness as a flaw, but as a facet of humanity, a facet of seeking relationship and connection.
If you apply that to you being on camera, perhaps you can see that your wish to do your best, and your fear of getting it wrong, are in fact a reflection of your deep desire for connection. They’re a sign that you care. They’re a signal to try, not to shy away, because you want to help people.
Where self consciousness can let us down is when it tips over into social anxiety, crippling self doubt, and leading us to hide our true selves. We can fear that if people see the real person we are that will lead to rejection, and I think that’s often what causes us to want to hide.
One of the things that has been identified in studying people’s thoughts about themselves is what is known as the spotlight effect. Each of us individually feels as though we’re in the spotlight. We think that other people will notice all our flaws and mistakes. We think people notice far more about us than they actually do. And this is where our friend, Barry Manilow, is relevant.
There’s a famous study of the spotlight effect by Thomas Gilovich. Students were asked to don Barry Manilow T shirts at the nadir of his popularity. They then had to walk into a room full of strangers who were facing the door. The students’ estimate of how many people noticed the embarrassing attire was far less than the true figure. About 20% of people noticed, as opposed to the students’ ideas of approximately half.
This is just one of the studies performed by Gilovich, but his conclusions are simple. To quote: ‘People overestimate the extent to which their actions and appearance are noted by others. To put it simply, people are far more concerned about what you think of them than what they think of you. Clients are seeking answers to their problems. They’re much more interested in the possible solutions than what you look like.
So it’s helpful to shift your focus from your anxieties to what you’re offering people. You’re a qualified counsellor. You’ve sat with people telling you the most difficult things that have happened to them. You’ve been able to offer comfort and compassion and help them find their way through. You’ve personally witnessed people’s strength and resilience in the face of appalling circumstances, and you believe, with the right help, that people can change.
That’s a whole lot of hope you can offer to your readers and listeners. And while you can also offer more technical information, such as how therapy actually works in their specific circumstances, this is really just the wrapper around who you are. Psychoeducation is the vehicle, but you, the person, the therapist, you are the engine. And that means even if you make imperfect content, it can still speak to people. It can still inspire them and encourage them to reach out for help.
And in passing, let’s acknowledge that it can be comforting to know someone else makes mistakes too. It can help to establish relationships. Who wants to be confronted by someone who’s perfect? I always imagine someone who’s perfectly turned out and perfectly organised is not going to understand why I find those things so difficult to do. It makes me want to hide the messy aspects of myself, and that creates distance, not connection.
As people get to know you on video, they’ll recognize your foibles, but also love you for them. You might even get known for them, like me with my messy curls. They don’t look the same from one day to another, but they’re an easy way to describe me. I look back on my lockdown videos and cringe because of how my hair looked. I cried for the first time I had my hair cut after the restrictions were lifted.
But I’m also proud of myself, because I kept on producing helpful content during that time. And I’d like to think my willingness to do so also encouraged others to do the same. Because it’s not how you look, it’s the message that you’re giving. It’s helpful to remind yourself that it’s a learning process. At first you may stumble over the simple things, but gradually they get easier.
As you get more practised you’ll attract more followers. But during that early learning phase, you’re less likely to be seen, so those mistakes won’t reach many people. Focus on how you’re progressing, rather than the myth of perfection. When you’re new to something, it’s easy to get pulled into comparison with those who are further along. You’ll often notice them when they’ve had time to hone their skills. Rather than using them to show you how awful you are, how about using them as an example of where you could get, given more practice?
And making mistakes can actually be helpful. They teach you so much. Remember how awful it was during your training, when you were observed in your counselling practice. But even though it may have remained excruciating, I bet you got to that place where you were able to welcome feedback because it helped you to learn, grow, and be a better therapist. So be compassionate towards yourself.
Embrace who you are, someone with such a tender, sensitive heart who has a desire for other people to be healed. Above all else, you want the opportunity to share your gifts of love and wisdom in therapy. Private practice and marketing are what makes that happen, but whatever external mistakes you make, they don’t change your deep intention and values. You’re allowed to seek ways to express who you are, and what you’re trying to do in this world, and opinions that don’t recognize that truth are not worth your energy.
Let’s have a quick recap of the underlying themes.
First, perfectionism. This can hold you back from sharing yourself in photographs or videos. While there’s no such thing as perfect, sharing who you are is what will speak to people, and making mistakes can actually model your humanity and create connection.
Next, imposter syndrome. You may feel inadequate, that you have nothing to offer, and that you’re exposing yourself by sharing yourself online. But people notice far less than we imagine. And many people may well admire your courage and willingness to try new things in order to connect. That may well inspire your potential clients to get in touch. And if you make mistakes, you’ll use those to grow and improve.
Finally, the importance of self compassion. Rather than focusing on other therapists and their triumphs, let’s acknowledge how unique you are. Let’s recognize how you want to reach people, and that if you’re willing to share yourself, you’re being brave and courageous.
When I first wrote this podcast, I ended with a reminder that I’d be running my live feed challenge in the next week. But that all changed following a supervision session, when I realised I didn’t have the capacity to run it. And that resulted in me having to share the fact that I’d be postponing.
And telling people brought up those common concerns about being publicly exposed. There was perfectionism, in that I didn’t want to be perceived as failing. I didn’t want to be seen as an inadequate, flaky person who can’t manage their time. But self compassion won out. With my supervisor’s help, I was able to see that making a choice to prioritise my self care could be part of my story for my followers.
And sure enough, those people who value what I have to say, cheered me on, and they told me that I’d encouraged them to consider their own self care, and that my honesty and courage in being the real me had moved them, and created a deeper sense of connection. So never be afraid to be you. It helps other people.
Thanks for listening. Do come and join my Facebook community, Good Enough Counsellors.
And for more information about how I can help you develop your private practice, please visit my website, josephinehughes.com. If you found this episode helpful, I’d love it if you could share it with a fellow therapist or leave a review on your podcast app. And in closing, I’d love to remind you that every single step you make gets you closer to your dream. I really believe you can do it.